Subtitled: The science and art of self-assurance – what women should know
(PSSSST: I think men should know this stuff too!)
The authors are both journalists so they brought a great deal of curiosity and research to this topic and then crafted a well-paced book that’s easy to read and then take action.
What I love about this book is how they dissect confidence as well as adjacent terms like:
- self-esteem
- competence
- mastery
- optimism
- self-efficacy
- self-compassion
We have a tendency to just lump all of these together, but understanding the nuances of each helps us tackle the different aspects of each one.
Here’s one of my favorite passages, found on page 49:
Confidence is linked to doing. We (the authors) are convinced that one of the essential ingredients in confidence is action, that belief we can succeed at things, or make them happen.
They go on to say:
It is a willingness to go out of your comfort zone and do hard things. We were also sure that confidence must be about hard work. Mastery. About having resilience and not giving up. The confidence cousins can all support that goal. It’s easier to keep going if you are optimistic about the outcome. If you have self-efficacy in one area, and use it, you will create more general confidence. If you have high self-esteem, and believe your are intrinsically valuable, you won’t assume your boss thinks you’re not worthy of a raise. And, if you fail, self-compassion will give you the chance to not berate yourself, but to take your failure more lightly.
What an awesome way to parse out confidence in chunks!
The authors provide us with plenty of studies, research and interviews from those who did the research, which give us insight into the what and why of confidence and its ‘cousins’ – which helps us see there’s a method to what’s going on. They also provide steps to take to build up our confidence – also backed by research.
These methods are centered around: thinking less and acting more.
Many of us have a tendency to overthink decisions which can lead to analysis paralysis. They encourage us to be thoughtful and mitigate risks, but then to take some action to move forward. Action is the key to confidence.
This isn’t anything new, but what I think is a new(ish) take – as we take action, don’t fake it. One of the researchers they interviewed stated that not only does faking it NOT work as a confidence booster, but it almost certainly makes us feel less secure, because knowingly masquerading as something we’re not makes us more anxious.
I first came across that research a few years ago and it’s helped me and my clients to shush the imposter. It can get so loud when it sees you trying to fake it.
What they suggest instead of pretending to be something you’re not, is to take small steps, even tiny ones if need be, toward the desired outcome.
For me, when I have the urge to fake it, I remember why I’m about to do this thing that might be outside of my ‘expertise’ – sure, I may not be the top-level expert at this thing, but I am passionate about the topic, the message, the people, or whatever it is that has led me to that point.
I wish I’d had this book a few years ago when my self-esteem was at such a low point and I had no idea how to build that up, much less my confidence. The what, why and how in this book could’ve jump started that then and definitely has boosted my confidence now! If you or someone you know could use a boost, give this a read…. And then let me know what your top takeaways are!
